Pretty Good Joke Book by Garrison Keillor

Author:Garrison Keillor
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HighBridge Company
Published: 2009-12-14T16:00:00+00:00

ENGINEER JOKES

The difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers is that mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

How do you torture an engineer?

Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

Two engineering students met on campus one day, and one said, “Hey—Nice bike! Where did you get it?”

The other said, “Well, I was walking to class the other day when this beautiful woman rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says ‘I’ll give you anything you want!!’ So I took the bike.”

The other said, “Good choice, her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

The mathematician, the physicist, and the engineer were given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. So the mathematician measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. And the engineer looked up the model and serial number in his red-rubber-ball table.

What did the arts graduate say to the engineering graduate?

Would you like fries with your order, sir?

The optimist sees a glass that’s half full. The pessimist sees a glass that’s half empty. An engineer sees a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.

Three people were going to the guillotine. The first was a lawyer, who was led to the platform, blindfolded, and had his head put on the block. The executioner pulled the lanyard, but nothing happened. To avoid a messy lawsuit, the authorities allowed the lawyer to go free.

The next man to the guillotine was a priest. They put his head on the block and pulled the lanyard, but nothing happened. The blade didn’t come down. They thought it must have been divine intervention, so they let the priest go.

The third man to the guillotine was an engineer. He waived his right to a blindfold, so they led him to the guillotine and put his head on the block. As he lay there, he said, “Hey, wait. I think I see your problem.”

Engineers say, “If it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features.”

An engineer walks into his boss’ office and his boss is holding a tiny object up to the light. The engineer asks, “What is that you have?”

The boss says, “It looks like plastic but feels like rubber.”

The engineer says, “Well, let me have a look at it.” So the boss hands it over and the engineer rolls it around between his thumb and his fingers.

“Yes,” says the engineer, “It’s interesting. It’s kind of viscous but also kind of solid. Where’d you get it?”

The boss says, “Out of my nose.”

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